What It Means to Be an Expat: The One Thing Nobody Tells You
Where's 'home' if you're an expat 𧩠Why relationships matter 𧩠The growing concern about loneliness and isolation, and how to address it
I was sitting at my desk at work, munching on hazelnuts, and writing a process document. I shared an office with a freelance consultant - a foreigner, much older than me, and very experienced. He had traveled the world due to his job. I, however, still lived in my home country and had no intention of relocating. He was trying to convince me otherwise.
âI see something in youâ, he told me. âSomething that youâll need if you relocate out of Bulgaria.â
âI have no plans of relocatingâ, I said.
âYou willâ, he replied.
That was funny. âWhy do you think so?â I asked him.
âThis place is too small for you,â he answered, in all seriousness.
I wasnât sure I understood where this was going, but I was curious.
âIn any caseâ, he continued, âI donât want to come back here five or ten years from now and see you still sitting at that same desk, eating those nuts.â
I laughed. âWhatâs wrong with that?â
âOh, nothing! Itâs just not meant for people like us.â
ââPeople like usâ?! What do you mean?â
âPeople who have a backbone. People who can achieve things. And people who know how to be alone.â
I ignored the first characteristics, but that last one struck a chord. ââKnow how to be aloneâ?! What exactly are you saying? Are you feeling lonely here?â
âNot necessarily lonely, but I am alone, yes.â
âBut there are so many people around youâ, I replied in the full naivety of my 20+ years.
âLike, who? These are all colleagues. Thereâs no one waiting for me at home.â
âBut I live alone, too. By the same token, Iâm alone too. These people here are all just colleaguesâŠâ
âDarling, youâre in your home country. Youâre not alone.â
âOf course, I am!â
âNo, youâre not. You donât know what âaloneâ meansâ, he smiled at me. âNot yet, at least.â
Fast forward 20 years, Iâm sitting at my desk in my apartment in Berlin, Germany, as Iâm writing this story. Iâm munching on my late breakfast and looking at the grey clouds outside. Another day of rain - while down south, the Balkans are baking at 40+ degrees Celsius and fighting wildfires.
I didnât relocate straight to Germany. One year after the above conversation, I was on my way to the Netherlands, with a car full of all my belongings, and a heart full of hopes and aspirations. This was a recipe for disaster - I know this now. You easily get disappointed if your expectations are high.
It only took 1,5 years for me to crash and burn in the Netherlands. I went back to Bulgaria, determined I wasnât going to relocate ever again. Relocating is a huge step, and failing at it is too painful. But a friend of mine tried to convince me not to give up.
âYou just havenât found your place yet, thatâs all. You should keep trying,â she said.
âTheoretically, I may never find my place,â I replied.
âTheoretically, thatâs true. But, in practice, you will.â
âHow do you know that?â
âI just do - trust me on this one!â
Half a year later, I moved to Germany - and, this time, with zero hopes and expectations. Only with my bags, and no excitement whatsoever. That must have been so apparent that even my Mum, when driving me to the airport, gave me the following parting advice:
âTry to keep an open heart and mind. You never know what might happen.â
This was strange coming from her, as she had never lived abroad. She didnât even speak a foreign language. But the advice was solid, so I took it. No hopes and expectations, but an open heart and mind - got it!
15 years later, I am still in Germany. I havenât changed the country; I havenât even changed the city. I have friends here; I found my husband here; I run a business here. But would I call it âhomeâ? What does âhomeâ even mean?
If we go by the dictionary definition, âhomeâ is âa place of residenceâ, âa familiar or usual settingâ, or âa base of operationsâ. That means I have a lot of homes: Bulgaria, Germany, Poland (my husband is Polish and we travel to Poland just as often as we do to Bulgaria, if not more often, because itâs simply closer to Germany), and possibly others.
According to the same dictionary definition, âhomeâ can also be âa place of originâ. That narrows it down to Bulgaria only. So, is Bulgaria my home then?
No, it isnât. As sad as it may be, Iâm not very Bulgarian now. And neither am I German, or Polish, or any other. If I have to choose a place to call âhomeâ, there is no such place. I donât belong anywhere anymore.
Bulgaria shaped who I am - up until I left it. You can still see certain Bulgarian traits in me, but in general, I donât think like a Bulgarian, I donât act like a Bulgarian, and I donât communicate like a Bulgarian. This is the most apparent when I talk with someone who has never left Bulgaria - their world view is different from mine. When Iâm there, I speak Bulgarian, but Iâm actually a foreigner.
And Iâm a foreigner in Germany, too. Regardless of whether I speak the language or not, Iâll always be a foreigner, because I donât fully think or act as a German either. And Iâm a foreigner in Poland, too - for exactly the same reasons. And Iâll be a foreigner anywhere else I go.
Hereâs what my well-traveled colleague didnât tell me 20 years back, when we had that nice chat about relocating: Once you step out of your home country, you cut your ties to any place. Your home country will change, and you will change, irrespective of each other. After a few years, you two wonât be compatible anymore. And youâll never be compatible with any other place either, because it didnât single-handedly shape you. Eventually, youâll never have a place where you truly belong.
However, is âbelongingâ really that important? Turns out, it is. âBelongingâ is not about a place, but about the people. You do need your own tribe: a network of people to share your internal world with, to have fun with when times are good, and to support and guide you when times are tough.
In 2011, Dr. Martin Seligman listed relationships as a key component of well-being in his book Flourish*:
There are many examples that prove relationships are an essential part of well-being, such as:
Thereâs plenty of global research: World Health Organization (WHO), Swiss Re Institute, Statista.
Top athletes talk about it: Carlos Alcaraz, Conor Niland, Christopher McCandless.
Research on Japanâs longevity points to it:
âWithout question, the international superstar of longevity is Japan, which has the highest life expectancy of any country in the world. In addition to a healthy diet [âŠ] and an integrated health care system [âŠ], longevity in Japan is closely tied to its culture [âŠ].
âThe sense of community, and the fact that Japanese people make an effort to stay active until the very end, are key elements of their secret to long life.
â[âŠ] Surround yourself with good friends. Friends are the best medicine there is for confiding worries over a good chat, sharing stories that brighten your day, getting advice, having fun, dreaming⊠in other words, living.â
Excerpt from Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life* by HĂ©ctor GarcĂa & Francesc Miralles
Loneliness and isolation are seen as a major public health issue in todayâs world - a silently growing epidemic. They lead to serious physical and mental health problems, comparable to the ones of smoking or being obese. Theyâre also associated with a high risk of premature death.
* Amazon affiliate link
Living the life of an expat means we (can) relocate quite a lot. And the more we change locations, the harder it is to maintain relationships. Because relationships are like plants - they need constant care, sun, water, love. If you only provide that from time to time, at best, your plants wonât grow as strong as you want them to be, and at worst, they will die.
I must also mention how easy it is to form relationships when youâre younger, and how much more difficult it becomes the older you get. We tend to close ourselves into our own worlds, into our areas of comfort - and we donât like getting out. While I donât know for sure why that is, I think itâs because we have a certain level of fear - of life itself, based on how equipped we are to face it - that intensifies with age as our capabilities diminish. But this is a topic for another article.
For now, Iâll leave you with this question to ponderâŠ
âŠand with a list of 15 things to do when youâre feeling lonely.
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